Journey Through Illness

February 15, 2014

Grief Cleanse – Part IV

Filed under: Uncategorized — FrancesC @ 6:03 am

And on the fourth day, there were tears… I guess that’s what happens when you continue to knock upon “Grief’s door”.  Hot streaming tears that kept coming and the more they did, the more I felt my heart chakra close up even tighter.  I thought crying would “clear the channel” so to speak, but nope, in an attempt to shield against more loss, pain, and disappointment, I felt that part of my body tighten up even more.  I read somewhere that sometimes this sort of thing happens.  The fear of risking future loss keeps you trapped in the “waiting room” – the place between lives; the life you had before the loss (es), and the new life after loss.  After what feels like hours of sobbing, I finally stop.  I didn’t think I would.  But I did stop.

The dam broke, and finally my heart did soften.

I know that my thoughts are not productive at times.  I recite the litany of losses..Suffering multiple losses for several years in a row, I reinforce how these experiences have obliterated my faith in the future.  Heart attacks, miscarriages, my mother’s death, my father’s decline.. and ongoing financial/job/career is just too much.  I feel like giving up, but have no idea what that means.  I know this happens, I know I do this…I fall into my own trap of the infinite loop of loss, reciting the events to myself, remembering the times I kept getting up, trying again, truly using all the resources at my disposal, only to be knocked down once again.  I want to step outside of this whole thing.  I wish I could rewind the clock and start again. Many days,  I don’t know how I will ever get over not being able to become a mother.  Losing my mother,  my babies,  my ability to carry a pregnancy because of my heart condition.   Losing my health, and coming so close to death on several occasions; I try to find meaning in this whole “journey”.   When I was younger, I spent years trying to repair and heal my heart, and get out of the  loop of “stents, and cracks, and heart attacks, bypass surgery.  I couldn’t think about adopting when I honestly didn’t think that I would live long.  I didn’t think it would be fair to do this at the time.  And now the years have gone by, and my past has aged me, made me weary, and depressed.  It’s not a consideration now.  I have to let go of this.  It’s so hard to do.  I feel cheated.  The unfairness is appalling to me; but life isn’t fair.  I know this.  I try to accept this.  Some days I’m better at pretending than others.

That last paragraph right there…that is some of the ongoing commentary that plays along with the ever present, “Why do people have to suffer, if God is a loving and forgiving God?”  I don’t have answers.  It’s best not to go there.  I have to jump any negative cognitive loops – the litany of loss, the “why, why, why questions”, and I also have to be mindful of the negative thought spirals…the “this sucks, that sucks….everything sucks” spiral for example.  Yeh, I know the pitfalls.  I’m not dumb.  I’m not dumb.  I’m not dumb.

I’m depressed.  I want to scream this sometimes.  I feel sensitive.  Everything hurts.  Criticism, joking around, small talk..ouch!  It all bites.

But…eventually with the tears… my heart did soften for a bit.  A small reprieve.  I think to myself, I have to remember this.  Allowing myself to move through this stuff, all the way to the other side of it, helps me to feel some relief.


1 Comment »

  1. So much pain … I’m pleased the tears were cleansing, in the end.
    Take care.

    Comment by DysthymiaBree — February 15, 2014 @ 6:27 am

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