Journey Through Illness

February 1, 2014

Grief Cleanse – part III

Grief, Will you come out to speak?

Grief:  I am here with you.  I saw you watching Martha Graham’s dance, “Lamentation”, and I said, “Yes, Yes, Yes”; She – (you, Frances) is allowing herself to feel the sorrow and anguish.   I’m glad that you watched the piece tonight because in that piece, Martha is grief.  She is.. Me.  The feeling communicated through that dance is me.  I know that you know this.  I’m angst ridden, I spin my wheels, I push against boundaries, I make it hard for you to contain yourself.  I want to jump out of your skin.  I want to be set free, but by my very nature, I get no ultimate release.  There is no catharsis.  I’m screaming muffled screams.  I want you to stop what you are doing, stop acting like you have it all together, stop it.  I want you to pay attention to me.  You were tired today.   I know I had kept you up last night.  I wanted you to stay home with me today.  I needed the day.  A personal grief day.  But of course you didn’t, couldn’t, whatever your excuse is; I didn’t get my way…my time and space, and so I jumped on your back, and made you carry me around all day while I put my feet up.  I know that sometimes you “get it”.  That you have to listen to me, validate me.  Haven’t we already gone over this?  But you keep saying, we have to do this, and this, and this.  Just one more thing, one more phone call, meeting, group, report.  I make you tired.  I know you say you want it to be easier, but then you keep up your bullshit.  And yes, Frances, you have a lot of bullshit, even though you often accuse everyone else of being full of it.  

Here’s tip:  Learn to say no more often.  No maybe bullshit either.  “NO!”, Get it?!  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.  Say it loud and proud, Frances and quit wasting your time and energy on bullshit.  You’ve got pretty damn good radar now, and so anytime you can’t say a definite and enthusiastic “Yes!” to something; then it’s a “No!”.

What’s the one thing you want people to know about your losses today?

Grief:  That I need breaks.  That I’m taking care of myself by saying no.  That it’s not personal.

Image

(photograph from google images)

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