Journey Through Illness

January 19, 2014

The role of work..

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — FrancesC @ 5:26 am

The role that my worklife has played in contributing to my stress level and my having gotten sick is a big piece of the “puzzle” why it has been difficult “bouncing” back.   Not that it is a mystery why I’ve been struggling with recovering from the cluster fuck of losses over the past decade.  But, my “career” and the seeming inability to move forward in any substantial way in my work life has been a huge source of discontent and disappointment.  You see, I pursued “my passion”, and went to graduate school in the field of my choice.  Why?  Because I was always told that I was intelligent, I got good grades, I worked hard, and I believed that if you followed your bliss, worked very hard, that no matter who you were, you were bound to succeed.  I believed this.  I also believed a lot of other bullshit.  I did not set out to become a wealthy women, but I did think that I would be able to make a living, and be successful regarding the work itself.   It sucks to do all you can, in the field of your choice, and have it not be enough. To be an indentured servant for taking out student loans for the majority of your working life.  Oh, now let me set you straight.  All of my reviews and evaluations have been excellent for all these years.  Rarely has there even been a remark made, or area of improvement mentioned.  So don’t go judging that I’m a disgruntled indentured servant without getting all the facts.  For over a decade, after I finished school, my student loan payment was approximately 40% of my salary.  Add rent, and a car payment, and you have…a bit of grocery money left, nothing more.  That means nothing more for medication, getting sick, vacations, car repairs, clothes, gifts, haircuts, co-pays, trips, keeping up with technology etc.. So you get another part-time job, for these things, but you have no time off, and you start to get tired.

At the same time, life starts to present you with challenges that were unexpected, and when your living in this “tight” way..things can become overwhelming pretty fast.  Upper middle class people like to postulate that…If I am struggling financially than I must in some way be “responsible” for this, like perhaps I’m not responsible with money, or my husband is abusive and takes all my millions, or I’m a mean nasty bitch who must be punished by suffering in low paying jobs for the rest of her life.  Um, Not so much.  New Age thinking says, I must be “thinking wrong”, unconsciously causing my mom’s dying of cancer too young, my heart attacks in my 30’s, miscarriages, layoffs, my father’s Alzheimer’s, my only lateral “career” moves.

The 2006 movie, “The Secret” says that if you just think about a bicycle, a man will deliver you one.  If you paint a picture of your “soul mate” he/she will show up.  No, I have to say.. all of this is bullshit.  There are more “laws of the universe” than just “attraction”.  Things aren’t black and white.  There are many other aspects at play in any individual’s life.  When you have a broken leg, it isn’t that you need to “stand on your own two feet”!  Sometimes, it’s because someone driving drunk, ran into you.  It makes sense that if you can put certain mind/body/spirit connections together for yourself that resonate with your own soul, that it may then be a useful exercise.  However, to use such broad strokes to paint the same picture for everyone is akin to “blaming the victim” llike when a woman looks attractive, and gets raped.  Right, I’m sure she was “asking for it” or thinking that she would “like to be raped”.  Really?

Yes, I am responsible for having taken out student loans for graduate school when I was 24 years old.  And I am dutifully paying this off.  But sometimes shit happens.  Sometimes shit happens and there is no “reason” for it that makes sense.  Maybe only god knows the reason if there even is one, but when someone is grieving or sick, here’s a clue…they don’t need projections and your own interpretations; they need love, understanding, and maybe to just ask how they are doing once in awhile. 

Am I really to blame for there not being raises in my field for the past 10 years??  For constantly having my job threatened or being told I am lucky to “have a job” after 17 years of professional work?  Am I to blame for never being given an opportunity to grow, advance, learn that doesn’t come with some sort of high price tag in the form of sleeping with someone, having to dumb myself down, not speak about what I know, what I see, what I think and feel?  To have negative projections be thrust upon me from my “esteemed baby boomer colleagues” who continue to hold all the power is kinda hypocritical to put it lightly.  Treating anyone younger than them as “spoiled brats”, “entitled slackers”, is kinda in bad form, etc..; even when these “brats” are now in their 40’s and have had gag orders given to them year after year so as not to challenge any authority — the very “authority” that I thought they all rebelled against way back in the nostalgic 60’s.

Yes, I know.  I sound bitter, and angry.  You know why?  Because I am.  But not all the time.  Sometimes I’ m fed up.  Sometimes I’m ok, Sometimes I have fun, Sometimes I’m sad.  Sometimes I’m engaged in something totally emotionally neutral.  I have a whole god damn repertoire of emotions sometimes all in one day.  Is being angry better than being depressed?  I think it is, because at least there is energy in the anger.. energy that activates a willingness to soldier on. 

 

 

Healing things today:  date night, meditation, vitamins, more protein less carbs, hot water with lemon.

 

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