Journey Through Illness

January 17, 2014

Here we go…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , — FrancesC @ 5:50 am

Hello,

This is my first post.  I’m writing basically to document this attempt at healing myself from major depression.  You see, my anti-depressants have pooped out.  No one I know believes this.  Everyone seems to think that they are capable of dispensing psychiatric advice.  Have you tried….?  or tried….? (fill in the blanks).

I’m not an idiot.  I’ve been taking one or another anti-depressant since the mid-“prozac nation” 90’s.  Let’s see…first there was paxil, then zoloft, prozac, then effexor, then effexor plus wellbutrin.  The combination of effexor and wellbutrin did work for several years albeit, my doctor continued upping the doses of one or the other until I got to the high end range of each.

Then, I had a series of losses..a significant health crisis, death of family members, father with Alzheimer’s, job stress, financial stress, and the biggie…peri-menopause.  Then, I noticed that my anti-depressant medication stopped working.  Each month, I continue to feel worse.  I have coping skills, loved ones, friends, a job, etc..and would like to hold onto my life as I know it.  But, I would be lying if I wrote that it’s been easy to do this.  It takes all the energy I can muster to “fake it til I make it” in my job, and I literally become teary on the ride home, jump into my pajamas, and attempt to self soothe with t.v.  I have no interest in any of the things I used to enjoy.  I explain this to my doctor who has monitored my medication for several years.  She begins with the diatribe of …”Well, we could try an atypical anti-depressant, or try adding an anti-psychotic”…hmmm. Nope.  We tried adding abilify a few months ago, and it didn’t work.  I’m done with the drugs.  I feel suckered into this whole damn mess and wish I never started taking the pills way back when.  I’ve probably altered my brain chemistry in some irreversible way, and now, what I really need is about a 6 month tropical treatment center where I can get off the f*&%ing things, get some sun, and start over.  However, since I can’t do this, because I’m sure my stupid overpriced insurance wouldn’t cover this, nor would my job be held for me for longer than about one full week, I’m pessimistic about my ability to heal from depression.  Oh wait, isn’t that one of the symptoms?  pessimism?.. perhaps..

Anyhow, my idea to write this blog is to document my attempt to do just that.  I was able to heal myself from a very serious physical illness a few years ago, I’m going to try and do the same thing with my emotional health.  Of course, due to the stigma associated with “mental health”; I have to do this under an alias.  So maybe no one will read this, and that will be ok, because this is really about me.  Maybe, if successful, it will be able to help someone else.  I hope so.

Today I shared the fact that I had “been on anti-depressants and they stopped working”, with a few people.  All of them “came out” with their own histories of SSRI’s and other psychotropic drugs.  They also shared some suggestions:  alcohol, smoking pot, getting laid, and psychotherapy.  For the record, I stopped drinking and smoking pot like 20 years ago.  I just “got laid” a few days ago, and I’ve been to psychotherapy for over 2 years back in the 90’s, and I’ve got nothing more to say.  One friend said she would take me to church with her this Sunday.  I said I’d go.  What the hell?  I believe in God.

A couple things that give me a small hit of pleasure:  yoga (if I can get to a class), and massages (if I can get the funds together on a regular basis to schedule them).

So I’ll document my attempts to move through this emotional health crisis, cause I really just want to feel better, lighter, and have more energy.  Depression does hurt like the television commerical says.  I don’t want to hurt anyone with my negative aura, and I want to maintain my relationships even though I don’t feel as if I have anything to give to anyone right now.

So far..today…Healing stuff:  talked and wrote about what was honestly going on for me;  took vitamins, had at least 5 vegetables, no sugar.

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  bfmh14-copy-e1388959797718

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2 Comments »

  1. Wow, you sure have been through the wringer. I’m not sure which country you’re from, but there’s a famous quote here in Australia, made by one of our politicians in the 1990s: “Life wasn’t meant to be easy.” You hear it here often! What a lot of people don’t realize is that Fraser later attributed it to George Bernard Shaw, and completed the quote in an interview: “but take courage, child, for it can be delightful” [usually paraphrased to “but it can also be delightful”].
    I’ll look forward to reading about your journey. I’ve found there to be a very supportive community here on WordPress – I hope you find the same thing too!
    In the meantime, may your life be easier, and may you find things to delight in!

    Comment by DysthymiaBree — January 17, 2014 @ 7:31 am

  2. Thank you for your comment. I like that “it can also be delightful”..

    Comment by Frances Chamberlain — January 17, 2014 @ 2:31 pm


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